Stop The Evolution I Wanna Get Off
by Red Witch
Summary: What happens when the X-Men discover there's a tv show about them? They're not happy. But when are they ever?


**The disclaimer telling you that I don't own X-Men characters has changed the channel and is watching something pointless. Speaking of pointless, you knew this was coming sooner or later. So how do the Wolverine and the X-Men characters react to a certain ****other**** cartoon? **

**Stop The Evolution I Wanna Get Off**

"**There** you are!" Emma Frost scowled at Logan as he walked in the door. "Where the hell have you been?"

"Nice to see you too Frost," Logan growled.

"Listen Wolverine, I don't know where the hell you run off to for days at a time and quite frankly I don't **care**," Emma pointed her finger. "If you want to abdicate your position as leader go ahead and **do it** already! Just put someone with an ounce of sense in authority and let us get on with saving the world!"

"You have a problem with the way I run things Frost? Why don't you take charge? I'd bet you'd **love** that!" Logan barked.

"I would but since I have as much authority here as a substitute teacher on the last day of school, nothing gets done!" Emma bristled.

"What about Storm?" Logan asked as he brushed by her and walked through the hallways.

"She left before you did," Emma followed him. "But at least **she** had the courtesy to tell us where she was going and why! For some reason she believed **you **would stay around and take charge of things while she was gone! Go figure!"

"Wait, Storm's not here?" Logan asked.

"Yes," Emma frowned. "She went out on a fact finding mission. Tracking down a lead on any mutants that might be interested in joining our group. In case you haven't noticed, the X-Men have lost the majority of our battles. Senator Kelly's press conference, Genosha, our failure to recruit Nightcrawler…Remember? We barley survived Africa as it was! Our team could use a few more mutants. Oh wait, how could you notice? You're **never** here!"

"What about Beast?" Logan asked.

"His mind hasn't **exactly **been on his work the past few days," Emma told him.

"And Cyclops?" Logan asked. Emma looked at him. "Okay that was a stupid question."

"He's even more morose than usual but at least he's out of his room and shaved today," Emma said. "Hold on, Storm has returned. At last! Maybe someone around here can lead this team now?"

Ororo entered through the front door. "Thank goodness you're back!" Emma let out a breath. "Any luck?"

"I'm afraid all of it was bad," Ororo sighed. She looked at Logan. "How are things here?"

"Why are you asking him? How would **he** know?" Emma interrupted. "He just got back himself!"

"You **left** the team while I was gone?" Ororo shouted.

"He didn't even know you left," Emma told her.

"Logan you're the leader of this team now! You can't just run off any time you feel like!" Ororo chastised him. "What if there had been an emergency?"

"Unless you count the cable going out the team would not have been prepared," Emma remarked.

"Okay fine! I'm back now!" Logan barked. "So what's the progress on the upgrades on the Danger Room?"

"Oh you want to know about that do you?" Emma asked.

"Yes I do! What progress has been made?" Logan growled.

"Absolutely none," Emma said with an air of mock cheerfulness.

"What about the repairs on the Blackbird?" Ororo asked.

"That has not been done either I'm afraid," Emma said again being sarcastically cheerful.

"What about the reports on the MRD?" Logan asked.

"No, haven't seen any of that," Emma shook her head. "Sorry."

"Well what about Beast? Did he find out any new discoveries in his lab?" Ororo asked.

"Not in his lab, no," Emma said. "He did conduct some interesting experiments with Twinkies and the deep fryer in the kitchen which by the way has not been cleaned in **three days."**

"Well what the hell has been going on for a week?" Logan barked.

"Oh I am **so** glad you asked," Emma said. "Come this way."

The followed her to the recreation room where they saw Forge, Kitty, Bobby, Hank and Scott sitting around the television surrounded by empty popcorn bowls and pizza boxes. They were arguing about something and watching something on cable.

"Isn't it nice to know you can leave for days on end and **nothing **can happen?" Emma asked sarcastically.

"What the hell is all this?" Logan barked. Everyone in the room jumped.

"About a week's worth of take out bills judging by all these cardboard boxes," Emma winced.

"When did you get back?" Bobby blinked.

"Not soon enough apparently. I leave for a week and I come back to find you guys sprawled all over the couch like frat boys after a keg party!" Logan shouted.

"We didn't drink any beer," Bobby said. "Well Scott and Hank had some wine and Scott passed out."

"I did **not!"** Scott snapped.

"Scott you made a puddle of drool on the floor so big when I froze it you could ice skate on it," Bobby scoffed.

"You never could hold your liquor well," Hank shrugged.

"At least I didn't climb the walls on a sugar rush!" Scott snapped.

"ENOUGH! I thought when I left you guys would take care of business around here!" Logan shouted.

"Obviously you thought wrong," Forge said.

"No kidding! What could be more important than repairs on the Blackbird?" Logan barked.

"A week long marathon of the X-Men Evolution Cartoon!" Forge said cheerfully.

"A **what?**" Logan asked. "They made a cartoon about **our **lives?"

"Yeah most of us are in high school," Bobby said. "Except for you, Beast and Storm. You're our teachers. Which is cool because you get to boss around a teenage Cyclops!"

"Not funny, Drake!" Scott snapped.

"Uh yeah it is," Bobby said. "We're watching some tapes we made again."

"Let me see if I understand this," Ororo held up her hand. "There is a cartoon out there about our lives?"

"Sort of," Forge said. "They kind of took a few liberties with us."

"A **few** liberties?" Kitty shouted. "I should sue 'em for slander!"

"Is this what you people do while I'm gone?" Logan asked. "Sit around all day and watch stupid television shows and movies?"

"No, sometimes we play video games," Hank quipped.

"We made Smores the other day," Bobby spoke up. "And Beast learned how to deep fry Twinkies."

"A truly delectable recipe," Hank smiled.

"As you can imagine Wolverine we have such **stimulating** conversations while you are away," Emma said sarcastically.

"I hate this cartoon! Look what they did to my character!" Kitty fumed. "It's bad enough they portray me as some ditzy valley girl that can't cook or drive and says 'like' every other sentence! But they have **Avalanche** as my love interest!"

"You're kidding?" Logan looked at her. "Dominic Pietros is…"

"It's not Dominic, it's **Lance!**" Kitty corrected him. "Lance Alvers! His name is Lance Alvers in this cartoon!"

"_Lance Alvers_?" Logan asked. "They changed his name to Lance Alvers?"

"That's like a pun on Avalanche isn't it?" Bobby asked.

"Yes Bobby it is!" Kitty shouted. "What is the deal with that? I mean not only does this guy look like a total thug with a mullet for crying out loud…Do you know how these two met? Lance tries to trick my character into stealing test answers from the school and then nearly kills her and her parents by avalanching the school all around them! And then all of the sudden they're **dating?** How did **that **happen?"

"They did kind of gloss over that didn't they?" Forge remarked.

"That's one way to put it!" Kitty fumed. "Okay in the first place, I don't date guys with mullets and dress like hoods! And if I did date guys with mullets and dress like hoods I would so not go out with a guys who tried to **kill me!** This makes absolutely no sense!"

"It's a cartoon, Katherine," Emma rolled her eyes. "These things rarely make sense."

"Why did they put Kitty with Avalanche and not Colossus?" Logan asked.

"They kind of did at the end of the series," Forge said. "There was flirtation but at the end she kind of goes back to Lance."

"It's just **stupid!"** Kitty shouted, throwing a pillow at the television screen.

"Oh yeah? Well at least you got some airtime!" Forge told her. "I'm only in about three episodes and all I do is make insane inventions that nearly kill everyone or get people trapped in another dimension!"

"At least they got **one thing** right on that show," Logan remarked.

"How about the way **I'm **portrayed?" Scott shouted. "I'm seen as an uptight stick in the mud who only lives to be ordered around by the Professor and Jean and without them I'm a wuss!"

"Okay **two things **right," Logan quipped.

"Yeah its so funny how in the first two seasons Jean doesn't even give you the time of day," Bobby snorted. "She's with this obvious jock stereotype named Duncan Matthews and she's constantly flirting between him and Scott all the time."

"Jean being the object of affection between **two men**," Emma drawled. "How uncharacteristic."

"Watch it Frosty," Logan growled. Scott glared at her too, his eyes flashing.

"Touch a nerve, Darlings?" Emma purred.

"What about me?" Ororo asked. "Is my character in this?"

"Yeah you're okay but you have this punk skateboarding nephew that whines a lot," Bobby told her. "I didn't know you had a nephew."

"I **don't,**" Ororo glared at him. "I don't even have any brothers or sisters."

"After watching this cartoon be glad you don't," Forge groaned. "This guy Evan is a real tool. Until he mutates and joins the Morlocks. Then he starts getting interesting. Of course by that time the series is practically over…"

"The Morlocks?" Ororo did a double take. "Are you **serious?**"

"Yeah you remember that one Morlock Marrow?" Forge said. "The one with the bone spikes? Think of a male version of him only not as cool."

"Let me get this straight," Emma held up her hand. "They invented a fictional relative of Storm's that just happens to be a rip off of **another **character?"

"Pretty much," Kitty said. "There he is right there before he mutates."

"**That's** supposed to be my nephew? He doesn't look anything like me!" Ororo barked.

"Or act like you," Forge said.

"Told you, slander!" Kitty said. "Oh Wolverine they also made a girl version of your character."

"She looked pretty hot, well for a teenage girl version of you," Bobby said.

"WHAT?" Logan yelled.

"Apparently she was some clone of you or something," Forge said. "A **girl **Wolverine? Like **that** would happen in real life."

"I still can't believe what they did to me," Kitty fumed.

"Kitty we're off you and onto someone else," Bobby said.

"Like who?" Kitty shouted.

"Like me!" Bobby yelled.

"What about you?" Scott asked.

"Are you kidding? I look like a total goofball!" Bobby shouted.

"And how exactly is that different than your **normal** persona?" Hank asked.

"Seriously guys," Bobby gave him a look. "In the show I steal Scott's car and take the X-Jet on a joyride! I never did that!"

"Uh you did kind of borrow Scott's car once to go on a joyride," Kitty gave him a look.

"Yeah but I didn't take the **jet!"** Bobby said. "And if I did take something like the X-Van I think I would know better not to push all those buttons that blow stuff up!"

"You ran over a mailbox and froze the engine," Scott glared at him. "I'd forgotten about that!"

"Oh come on!" Bobby rolled his eyes.

"And there were ice cubes in the trunk," Scott said. "Like a thousand of them!"

"It was part of a bet," Bobby said.

"And the hubcaps were missing!" Scott shouted. "And what was the deal with the flamingo stuck in the back seat?"

"Oh for crying out loud Cyclops you never even **liked** that car!" Logan barked. "You traded it in for a motorcycle!"

"WHICH **YOU** STOLE!" Scott shouted at Wolverine.

"Can we please get back to the point of this conversation?" Emma sighed. "If there **is** one?"

"This X-Men Evolution cartoon does have it's odd quirks. Apparently I pull a Doctor Jekyll and Mr. Hyde and nearly kill Principal Kelly," Hank told them.

"Principal Kelly?" Logan asked. "As in…?"

"Our Senator Kelly, yes," Hank said. "And to my surprise this Kelly is an even bigger jerk that our Kelly. If that's possible. Oh and I also get mistaken for Bigfoot which really helps my self esteem!"

"Yeah and Rogue is practically the star of this whole thing," Bobby said. "She really gets worked over in this. It's like all the bad guys want her to be their ultimate weapon or something."

"Mystique poses as not only her high school principal but her **best friend?"** Kitty said. "No wonder she goes nuts in this."

"Toad's okay in this," Bobby said. "In fact it seems that the X-Men cause more fights than the Brotherhood!"

"That is completely false!" Kitty shouted. "It's like propaganda or something!"

"You said like! Time for another drink!" Forge said cheerfully as he took a sip from a root beer.

"That only counts if the cartoon me says it!" Kitty shouted. "That is like so unfair! I mean…"

"DRINK!" Hank, Forge and Bobby took sips from their sodas.

"AAGGGHH!" Kitty pulled at her hair. "You see what this stupid cartoon is doing to me?"

"Scott you forgot to take a drink," Forge said.

"Where's my regular beer?" Scott looked around.

"We took it from you the last time you passed out," Forge said. He looked at Logan. "Okay maybe **one** of us was drinking beer."

"Hey! I am allowed to drink! I am an adult!" Scott snapped.

"Wouldn't know the way you whine like a two year old all the time," Logan grunted.

"I'm afraid to ask this question but how am **I** portrayed in this charming cartoon?" Emma sighed.

"You're not," Kitty told her. "You don't exist in it. Which I guess counts for something!"

"I don't know whether to be insulted or relieved," Emma blinked. "No wait, I think relieved. Definitely **relieved!**"

"I'm telling you this is Brotherhood propaganda!" Kitty shouted. "Seriously the Brotherhood are actually sympathetic in this!"

"It can't be Brotherhood propaganda," Forge said. "Look how bad Magneto looks in this. I mean he abandons the Brotherhood, treats his people like crap. Get this, he locks up his own daughter the Scarlet Witch in a mental hospital and when she breaks out has her memories erased and altered so that she'd follow him!"

"Yeah he does look like a jerk in this," Kitty said. "Will you guys **stop** drinking?"

"You did say like," Bobby said.

"As a simile! It doesn't count!" Kitty shouted.

"Since Magneto is a jerk it shouldn't," Logan grunted. "I can see him doing stuff like that."

"So what does Wanda get her memories back or…?" Emma began

"You know they never really answered that in the cartoon," Kitty began. "It's like they just…WILL YOU STOP TAKING A DRINK EVERY TIME I TALK?"

"How did they get the idea to make this cartoon in the first place?" Ororo asked.

"Here's a clue, check out the credits at the end," Emma let out an annoyed huff as she took the remote and froze the screen. "Oh look this cartoon is owned by the Xavier Production company. What a shock…"

"You mean Xavier actually **endorsed** this?" Hank was surprised.

"That's so unlike him," Kitty was stunned. "I SAID **UN**LIKE! NOT LIKE! STOP DRINKING!"

"You said like again!" Bobby giggled.

"The next time **any** of you take a drink I swear I will beat the crap out of you!" Kitty yelled. "I'm serious!"

"I don't believe this," Logan said.

"Neither do I," Emma groaned. "I knew Xavier was desperate to promote peaceful relations but I had no idea of the depths he would sink to do it. And by depths I mean **complete stupidity!"**

"I'm sure the Professor had his reasons," Ororo began.

"To make you all look like utter idiots? Yes, to increase his cash flow!" Emma said.

"I am rapidly getting tired of your snide remarks," Ororo gave her a look.

"And I am getting tired of playing house with a group of frat boys who would rather goof off than help their own kind!" Emma snapped. "I did not join this group so I could simply do nothing and watch television all day!"

"Man Scott you really look like a skinny dork in this cartoon," Forge snickered. To this Scott simply blew up the television. "NOOOOOO! NOT THE TV!"

"Way to go Scott!" Kitty folded her arms in disgust. "You have been like a complete…I SAW THAT DRAKE! THAT'S IT!" She leapt over and tackled Bobby.

"NOOO! NOT MY PRECIOUS WIDE SCREEN TV!" Forge leapt up and started crying over the remains. "Maybe I can put you back together?"

"OW! KITTY STOP TWISTING MY EAR! OWWWW!" Bobby yelled.

"Say it Bobby!" Kitty hissed. "Say 'like' in a sentence!"

"It's gonna be okay! It's gonna be okay!" Forge tried to comfort the pieces of the broken television. "I'm gonna put you back together good as new. That's right baby! Once we get you patched up we'll go away…Maybe get you a new Blu Ray…"

"Where the hell is my beer?" Scott yelled as he looked for his drink. "I WANT MY BEER!"

"I believe it is time for me to make some more fried Twinkies," Hank quickly fled the room.

"OW! OW! KITTY! OW!" Bobby screamed.

"SAY IT!" Kitty yelled.

"You are the **wrong person** to lecture someone on attitude!" Ororo and Emma were still fighting.

"Me? **My attitude**?" Emma yelled. "If it wasn't for me and my attitude the entire continent of Africa would be burned to a crisp! I'm the only one here who's taking this seriously!"

"Logan tell Emma that…" Ororo turned around and saw that he was gone. "Logan?"

"Oh hell! He didn't run off **again,** did he?" Emma threw up her hands.

"I'm going out for a beer and some peace and quiet!" Scott stormed out.

"SAY IT! SAY IT!" Kitty had Bobby on the floor in a headlock. "SAY IT!"

"LIKE! LIKE! LIKE!" Bobby was almost sobbing in pain. "OW! STOP HURTING ME!"

"It's gonna be okay baby! It's gonna be okay!" Forge cooed.

"I am starting to see **why** the man spends as little time around this group as possible," Emma winced.

Meanwhile in the infirmary…

"CHARLES!" Logan pounded on the chamber. "CHARLES WAKE UP! WE NEED TO TALK! YOU GET YOUR PSYCHIC BUTT OUT OF THAT COMA AND FACE ME! I KNOW YOU CAN HEAR ME! IF YOU THINK YOU ARE GOING TO JUST LIE THERE AND LEAVE ME ALONE WITH THESE MANIACS YOU HAVE ANOTHER THINK COMING!"


End file.
